Resilient Families
How a family conceptualizes, copes with, and reframes struggles builds their resilience. Resilient families are ones that are able to recover quickly from struggle and adversity. Adversity gives families an opportunity to strengthen their relationships with each other and as a unit. If families are able to come together and intentionally find positive meaning in their struggles, they can emerge on the other side of challenges with a stronger sense of understanding and connection.
Here are three ways to build resilience in your family during the COVID-19 crisis instead of crumbling under the stress.
1. Prioritize, Clarify, and Reframe
Families establish their common goals and values. Clarifying what matters most to the family and identifying what everyone desires to work toward provides common ground and clear expectations. Some examples of shared family values are openness, respect, inclusion, and humor. Some shared family goals could be having a fight-free dinner or practicing healthy communication during an argument.
Action Items:
Visit this list of values from Brené Brown and ask each family member to write down their top three. Discuss which ones are similar or different. Remember, no values are right, wrong, or better than others.
Make a collaborative list of family goals. All members should agree on these goals and all voices should be heard during this process.
Have a symbolic ceremony to honor the changes your family is committing to make as a unit. Give children a creative outlet to express their feelings and to say goodbye to the way things were before. Some examples are burning a letter or drawing, making a timeline together to show “before” and “after,” or creating a memories box like this one.
2. Practice Connection
Connection is essential during times of hardship. Connection happens between people when there is vulnerability and when emotions are communicated and received by family members within a safe space. Collaboration and inclusion of all family members is important to create a sense of belonging and validation. Children need to feel heard and understood by their parents—whether or not their parents agree with those thoughts or feelings.
Action Items:
Create a safe space for communication by asking open-ended questions, such as “What is it about this situation that is hard for you?” or “What can I do or say that helps you feel supported and understood?” or “How would you like to spend our time together?”
Mirror back what you hear. Mirroring is not fixing or agreeing with someone’s feelings or problems. Mirroring is listening and understanding, and then expressing that understanding.
What I’m hearing you say is [reflect back what you hear in your own words]. Is that right?
So you are feeling _______ and ___________ because _________. Am I hearing you correctly?
State observations and check in with the person to be sure that they feel understood.
Learn your child’s love language and practice giving and showing love how they feel it most. Your family can take the Love Languages quiz here.
3. Use Structure and Flexibility
For children to feel safe, particularly younger children, families must provide structure during difficult times. Day-to-day routines, set meal times, and regular schedules help families feel more in control of their environments when there is otherwise a lack of control. While structure is important, flexibility must also be considered as it can help ease the family’s stress and anxiety when structure is not an option. Flexibility within structure can help families feel calm and give children a sense of autonomy and control.
Action Items:
Create a schedule as a family that consists of day-to-day routines, meal times, and play and work schedules. Post the schedule in a common space.
Bedtime should consist of 20 minutes of doing the same routine every night.
Allow flexibility within the schedule to give children a sense of control. For example, playtime can be scheduled, but the actual play activity can be a discussion.
For more information on parenting or family therapy, feel free to reach out to me.