Encouraging Positive Behavior Without Punishment
At some point in time, most parents will struggle with knowing how to best discipline their child. Discipline is a necessary tool in raising your child, however, the more traditional forms of discipline, such as time-outs, spankings, or stern reprimands are likely to do more harm than good. The recent literature in parenting theories suggests that empathy, respect, and fairness are the core elements of effective discipline that will result in long-term changes in your child’s behavior. Here are three things to consider to help you improve your parenting practice and encourage positive behavior without resorting to punishment:
1. Encourage Problem-Solving Skills
Problem solving skills is a common theme in many cognitive behavioral therapy programs for disruptive behaviors. This often involves a parenting helping a child to analyze social cues, generate solutions, and evaluate their chosen outcomes (Larson, 2014).
So, to implement this at home, take the next time your child misbehaves as an opportunity to guide them through the process of understanding their behavior and brainstorming ways to resolve it. Here is an example to walk you through what this might look like:
1. Acknowledge Emotions: Begin by helping your child identify what they are feeling and then validating them.
“What are you feeling right now?” “Are you feeling angry? It’s okay to feel angry but hitting is not okay because it hurt others. Let’s talk about what happened.”
2. Guided Self-Reflection: Help them to gain awareness of their emotions.
“Were you feeling angry when you hit? What did that feel like? Where in your body did you notice that feeling?”
3. Offer Alternatives: Suggest healthy outlets for their emotions.
“Next time, you could scribble on paper and crumple it up to let out your anger or take deep breaths until your body feels calm.”
4. Collaborate on Solutions: Brainstorm together:
“What could you do instead of hitting? How can you let your friend know you’re upset without hurting them?”
2. Encourage Intrinsic Motivation Through Connection
Another valuable strategy for promoting positive behavior is fostering intrinsic motivation by meaningfully connecting with your child. When children feel securely attached to their caregivers and believe their needs are understood, they are more likely to behave positively and internalize pro-social behaviors (Ginsburg, 2021).
Rather than focusing on external rewards or consequences, center discipline around your relationship with your child:
1. Empathize Before Redirecting: Show your child that you understand their feelings.
“I see that you’re frustrated because you wanted more time to play. That’s a big feeling, isn’t it? Let’s talk about what we can do next.”
This approach validates their emotions, making them feel seen and heard.
2. Encourage Autonomy: Instead of imposing solutions, invite your child to collaborate on solving problems.
“You wanted to keep playing, but it’s time for dinner. What can we do to make that transition easier next time?”
This empowers them to take responsibility for their actions and feel respected.
3. Reinforce Effort Over Outcome: Celebrate the effort your child makes toward positive behavior, not just the end result.
“I noticed you stopped to think before yelling this time—what a great job managing your feelings!”
This builds their confidence and encourages self-regulation.
3. Anticipatory Guidance
Anticipatory guidance is a counseling technique often used by doctors and educators to inform parent about the next developmentally appropriate behaviors to expect in their child. This can help parents know what to expect for the upcoming months and years. Anticipatory guidance is characterized by trauma-informed principles as well as healing-centered and strength-based approaches (Gilgoff et al., 2020).
So, how does this relate to your parenting practice. Well, besides leveraging insights from pediatricians, you can take the initiative by engaging with trusted resources such as parenting books and evidence-based articles. Additionally, you can observe your child’s behavior and compare it to expected developmental benchmarks. Here are some parenting books I often recommend to clients to help them keep up with their child’s development and cultivate healthy approaches to parenting:
1. The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. & Tina Payne Bryson Ph.D.
2. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
3. Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Do These Techniques Work?
These techniques work by enhancing emotional regulation, intrinsic motivation, and developmental awareness. Encouraging problem-solving helps children manage their emotions and behavior by reflecting on actions and exploring solutions (Larson, 2014). Promoting intrinsic motivation through connection strengthens children’s internal desire to behave positively by ensuring they feel understood and valued. Anticipatory guidance helps parents prepare for developmental milestones, enhancing empathy and proactive support (Gilgoff et al., 2020). Together, these approaches nurture emotional intelligence, promote self-regulation, and lead to lasting, positive behavioral changes. By embracing these techniques, you can create positive, long-lasting change in your child’s behavior and set the foundation for supporting a confident and compassionate child.
Gilgoff, R., & Silverio Marques, S. (2020). Anticipatory Guidance - an overview | ScienceDirect Topics. Www.sciencedirect.com. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/anticipatory-guidance
Ginsburg, K. R., & Jablow, M. M. (2014). Building Resilience in Children and Teens. American Academy of Pediatrics. https://doi.org/10.1542/9781581108705
Larson, E. (2021). The Use of Problem Solving Skills Training to Treat Disruptive The Use of Problem Solving Skills Training to Treat Disruptive Behavior in Schools Behavior in Schools. https://repository.lsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=6673&context=gradschool_dissertations